Masculinity is pretty simple to understand, right? Men are masculine, women are feminine.

Hmmm…I know some pretty effeminate men. I, myself, am pretty feminine.

Maybe, it’s more an archetype of protection?

Well, strength is a subjective concept, and I’ve seen “protectors” threaten or hurt those they sought to protect.

Maybe it’s linked to testosterone? There are a lot of women with high testosterone, and men with low testosterone.

So is it strength? You can work out day and night, and it does not matter.

Maybe it’s confidence? Well, confidence is just a good trait all-around, and also a terrible trait when expressed in abundance. Sometimes, the best message to send is that you don’t know.

Control? I would say, yes, and no. What does that even mean, though?

So…what the heck is it that makes people “masculine?” Is it even male-centered at all?

The Alpha Archetype

When people talk about masculinity, the word “alpha male” is never far away. Some people even conclude that these terms are synonymous.

I disagree. I’d like to double back on my initial framing in the intro, apply them to the alpha narrative, and break it down why these ideas don’t necessarily fit.

• The Male

As I established, men are not necessarily the leaders they set out to be. For instance, the most powerful pirate in the world was a Chinese woman, Zheng Yi Sao, from the early 1800’s. She commanded a fleet of hundreds of ships, controlled maritime trade routes, and essentially operated a floating political superpower.

And she did it through an interesting pragmatism, diplomacy, and rather than brute force, she cultivated a community to command loyalty, rather than simply selling a narrative that she was the best.

The Qing government was on the back foot, but they didn’t want to give up the goat. So they delivered a message after a few scuffles and unsavory events from both sides. They offered amnesty to the pirates, in exchange for an end to the conflict. Rather than accepting their terms, or trying to leverage her way through brute force, she sent a team to negotiate, and the government pardoned the myriad crew members aboard her ships. They kept their wealth, they settled. And she was also free to command many remaining vessels. Which is interesting. Think about the idea of retiring from a successful life of piracy.

Though I don’t want to condone her actions entirely, she clearly was everything the “alpha male” archetype attempts to be: She was a fierce leader, strong, commanded loyalty, always came out on top. What she wasn’t was a man.

• Strength

There are two very simple ways people usually measure strength: Raw power, and a willingness to face adversity. We usually don’t talk about probably the most important quality of all: wisdom.

It is fine if you CAN take on any challenge and emerge victorious. But what is even more important is an awareness that sometimes battle is simply unnecessary.

Sometimes, your greatest victories are the battles you don’t fight.

Let’s take a look again at Zheng Yi Sao. Amidst rising tensions, she knew the Chinese authority was on the back foot. But as pressure mounted, the walls closing in on her, and an awareness that this system would not last, she could have pushed through the Chinese blockades to the bitter end, costing thousands of her people’s lives. She chose not to. Holding the bag, in a position of power, she opted instead to negotiate with the government, set her people free, and let them go home.

People boarded her ships hopeless and broken, and left peacefully, with wealth and influence. That’s real strength.

• Protection

I don’t think it’s refutable that the ability to protect the people you care about is a masculine trait. However, when that protective nature is threatened, it’s very easy for that very nature to turn into that of a prison warden.

Suddenly, your loved ones cannot go outside without your say-so. Your loved ones need to message you constantly, or you’ll make a scene. This insecurity can, and should rightfully be seen as dangerous, if not warranted or agreed upon.

Every situation is different, so I will not pretend in a high-crime area or some wartorn streets, the ability for your loved ones to explore independently isn’t by itself a gift. However, in the majority of circumstances, it’s intoxicating to cage a bird you claim to love.

We as a species reject tyranny. Resisting control might as well be in our DNA. Therefore, it’s unrealistic to try and be a dictator to those we love. And on that note, I’d like to discuss the topic of…

• Control

Control is good – maybe not for the reason you think it is. There is a common trend for those that are most hell-bent on that control, to express that control in many toxic ways.

Control your family.

Control your friends.

Control your job?

Control the world?

Maybe, the best place to start is to control yourself. Do you even know what that looks like?

Someone can angrily shout at you to “Control yourself!” And you may think, “Well, what on Earth is that supposed to mean? I DO control myself.”

I guess the first place to start when answering that question is to ask, “Who’s behind the wheel?” You aren’t simply YOU, a guy, living your life, no matter how much you would like it to be. Rather, you’re a collection of thoughts happening at any given time. Sometimes, these thoughts can really grab hold of you, and make you behave in ways you might not like.

Here’s where I would like to preface caution. In my previous post, “Your Demons: Good, Bad, and a Bit Misunderstood,” I highlighted specifically that you cannot really control your thoughts, either. In fact, based on everything I’ve said here, you probably don’t seem to have any control at all, do you?

The fact of the matter is, life, and everything (and everyone) is fluid – ever-changing. Trying to control it is like trying to grab water, and hold it in your hand. So, the world, the people, even your own thoughts are going to resist. They’re going to slip through the cracks. It’s simple nature. In that way, the only way to truly have control is to let go of it completely. Alan Watts-senpai once said that life is a river. You can fight the current as much as you like, or you can simply flow with it to see where it takes you. I would like to argue that in that freedom to just let the world be what it is meant to be – whimsical and free – grants you far more agency over what really matters.

• Confidence

Confidence is useful in establishing and arguing on behalf of yourself. However, humility is also important. As I established earlier, you sell yourself short when you assume the ability to say “I don’t know” is a weakness rather than a strength. There’s nothing wrong with saying you don’t know. Nobody knows. The world is a weird, vibrating, unpredictable mess of light particles full of barely sane people trying to survive. What is there to know in the grand scheme of things?

The reality is, you don’t need to tell people you know what is happening. In fact, it could ruin the surprise if you do. Or at least, if you insist on leading, have the courage to turn to your following one day and say, “What are you doing in my house?” That will certainly create an enlightening moment.

Toxic Masculinity – Not Really Masculine

So, now you’ve gathered all these traits like the Infinity Stones. It’s time to make yourself perfectly balanced, as you always should have been. But when you snap your finger, and the infinity gauntlet doesn’t work, you’re left scratching your head.

Let’s say you follow these tips to the best of your ability, best case scenario, you bullied your way up a corporate ladder, you make lots of money, everyone who works for you doesn’t like you, you’re married to a partner who’s barely hanging by a thread at this point, maybe even considering pushing you down the stairs to claim the insurance check. What sort of life is that? It sounds exhausting. Worst case scenario, it turns out you somehow manage to claim the worst version of all these traits, and people look at you like an offensive fool, pantomiming a role you know nothing about. You don’t actually know what strength looks like, so you simply act like you do, using “Valhalla” as your callback when you charge headfirst into pointless wars. You don’t know what confidence looks like, so you are the loudest at a dinner party to try to emulate confidence. You don’t know what control looks like so you try to control the world around you. You don’t know what a man is, so you try to emulate manliness. And the funniest part about that last one is, a man is just a man, it’s an adult human male. What is there to figure out? If you look like a man and feel like a man, you’re probably a man.

In life, we are on a little raft floating on a cosmic ocean. Masculinity gurus want to teach you to punch the waves and so they sell you an idea that it makes you powerful. But real power comes from learning the tide, shifting the raft, and learning how to build a sail.

Conclusion (With A Bit of Insight)

If I tried to summarize what masculinity is in a single word, it would probably be personal conviction; conviction to do what is right, regardless of how it looks.

But it’s more than that. It’s being emotionally grounded – not letting anyone else be an emotional authority. It’s having agency over yourself without taking it from others in the process. It’s the willingness to express vulnerability, and the strength to admit you don’t know. All of these things involve strength, confidence, control, etc. But they are attributes you apply to yourself, not the rest of the world.

Also, and this might be a bit controversial, masculinity is not a male-centered identity. It is a human one.