It happened again. You and a person you love got into another argument. This time, something else happened, though. After bashing heads for what felt like several hours, they said THAT. Where most arguments have been minor squabbling about personal shortcomings or differences in opinion, they decided to attack a core part of your identity – a part you neither want to, nor are obligated to change for someone else.

The gut punch makes your stomach churn. You’re going to absolutely give him a piece of your mind, and he’s gonna regret it, now.

Stop! This isn’t going anywhere! This mudslinging isn’t going to repair this damage in a meaningful and healthy way! Let’s try something different.

A Healthier “nuclear option”

Continuous escalation will inevitably crescendo into a massive blowout. At which point, who knows if the relationship can be reconciled? Something has already been said which has crossed a red line. Your identity is under attack, and your ego is at the frontlines, ready to be your most loyal soldier.

You’ve seen this before, though. All that will come is more pain, more anger, nothing resolved. Today, we’re walking away, but we’re not coming back like we usually do. We’re creating a new barrier. One that takes effort to get around. Not out of anger or animosity, out of love.

The new barrier can come in many forms: Blocked numbers, blocked social media accounts, literal physical doors, etc., but the goal the same – that communication is hard. Your attention now needs to be earned.

Protecting Your Peace

Once you close this door, it’s very important you keep it closed. Take some time to reflect on what happened. At this point, introspection matters. After all, if you crossed red lines first, it defeats the whole point of the exercise, even if they crossed another one. You have time. Let your ego get some rest for a little while.

However, if through solid introspection (which will be revisited in a future post), you conclude that they crossed the line first—and that it was a valid, significant boundary violation—then you’ve done your work. At this point, I encourage effort to forgive, but you still owe them no time until they come to you.

Reconciliation is a two-way street, after all. Your position is valid. Your identity is valid, you are valid. That is why it is now up to them to take the back door you conveniently left unlocked, to make an effort. If it’s really love, you’re worth it.

Conclusion (with a bit of insight)

Fighting keeps your defenses up, wears you down, forces you to live day-by-day, stressed and unhealthy. It does the exact same to them. Locking yourself in a box with them ensures that won’t end, until one or both of you are a drained, heartbroken mess.

Leaving the situation protects your emotional space, likewise, drawing a line in the sand is healthy. A good relationship needs boundaries. If your partner or family – whoever you thought of while reading this, cannot respect your boundaries, that is an insecurity they must contend with – not you.

And if they are unwilling to do so, maybe it wasn’t love after all.

A final note: If you truly care, that back door can remain there forever. The power of forgiveness gives you a much stronger arm of control over the situation than you might otherwise think. When they finally walk in, two days from now or ten years from now, ready to apologize, just think how liberating it will be to them when you say “I forgave you a long time ago.” Even if the dynamic of the relationship shifts moving forward, both of you can walk away feeling a little more free.